If you think that the life of an optometrist is all about golf, business class airfares and creamy banana splits for dessert on a nightly basis, then think again. Studies show that for every patient who takes a copy of their spectacle prescription, an equivalent number of optometrists will lose their entire livelihood and their dignity. Here is a guide for patients on how to tell if your optometrist is living in their car:
1. Are their legs unable to be fully extended? If so, then most likely they are sleeping on the back seat of a Gold-brown 2012 Lexus ES and have lost the ability to fully utilise their knees. Of note, it is important to differentiate this from the standard optometrist hunch which is a scientifically documented consequence of years at the slit lamp.
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2. Does your optometrist smell like pine? It is well known that optometrists hate the smell of pine. If your eye exam is being performed by someone who smells like a conifer scented car deodoriser, then yes they are likely living in their Hyundai.
3. Is there a Volvo logo imprinted anywhere on their body? If so they are either sleeping in their 4 door Swedish sleeping bag or they are a member of a strangely vanilla sex cult which brands their members like a soccer-parent’s favourite wagon.
4. Are they a little too heavy on the up-sell? Anti-reflection coatings and photochromatic lens add-ons are all legitimate but are they trying to sell you trinkets and crystals? What about a Thermomix? These are a clear sign that your optometrist by day is sleeping in the practice car-park by night.
5. Listen closely when they are asking about your medical history. If your optometrist asks if you are on any medications this is normal. However, if they ask if you have any spare medications, this is not.
6. Look closely at their gloves. You may think they are normal surgical gloves however check whether they are actually made of wool with the finger-tips cut off. These gloves are worn exclusively by those without a walled abode. Increase your suspicion if their hands also smell like they have been warmed recently over a fire in a dumpster bin.
7. Have you previously seen this optometrist for an eye exam and requested a copy of your prescription at the end? Then yes, this optometrist is living in their car. If you went so far as to brazenly ask for your PD as well, then most likely your optometrist is also addicted to drugs. I hope you’re happy.
