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Australian Optometrist Staying At Home Has Already Been Bitten By Two Snakes and a Spider

The government has encouraged all Australians to stay at home, but carry a rifle at all times.

An Australian optometrist who took the public health initiative to close his practice to minimise the spread of Coronavirus, has already been attacked by multiple deadly venomous animals while being just two days into self imposed isolation.

Derek Mateson’s practice in the eastern suburbs of Brisbane is typically a thriving and successful business however in order to be a responsible member of society, Mateson has closed his practice to all but true emergencies.

Mateson told us “Yeah mate, I decided to close up for all except emergencies. I just thought that with the ‘rona virus going around I wanted to do all I could to stop the spread. Anyway, I copped a fair bite from a brown snake yesterday while I was moving the TV, and another one today when I opened my fridge. I’m pretty sure a redback spider got me good last night while I was asleep too as half of my head is good and swollen like a some kind of Fuch’s cornea.”

“I’ve nearly died multiple times already, but at least i’m doing my bit to stop the spread”

Derek Mateson

Fortunately most Australians have “herd immunity” to deadly animal bites and as such, Mateson will most likely experience mild symptoms including a few days of agonising pain and hallucinations followed by extreme diarrhoea.

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